I …

I want to follow the ifs and the buts

lie on my back and frivolously dream

of a time yet to come and a person yet to be

 

I want to circle un-circle the possibilities

of a life foregone or  impending fantasies

I want to stretch my legs and wave my toes

and  draw patterns in the dark clouds I see

I want to embellish every single leaf with imagery

that is dying in misery

I want to revisit those memories where I held close

the loved ones I once lost

I want to smudge every rainbow and spread the colors around

mix races, places, turn the world upside down

and live on the hem of abstract reality

 

I want to envision a vision for you and me

take you through what my vivid imagination conceives for me

for why remain captive in reality

when this mind has an escapist, delusional quality

 

I want to bring  the banalities to  life

and toss the frothiness of thought around

let you glimpse in my kaleidoscope

and let you see

emotions not yet named

to faces not yet claimed

 

it is only in my mind

I see endless possibilities

for this world is far too sane for me

instead, I live in the world I fabricate

it is where

I can create, innovate, decimate

express and imagine freely

for as long as I live.

 

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My abditory

abditory
The heart feels brimmed
brimmed to the surface of my soul
of words, feelings and musings that I cannot let go
this ache that resides inside
of battles lost and forgotten
spills over the brink and dampens my soul

I seek a place where I long to disappear
to unburden my mind
And rest my soul
I conjure the deepest of woods
a sanctuary that I call my own
to loose myself in this abditory
and purge my soul

The sand renders my footsteps untraceable
the wind diffuses my scent
the night cloaks my silhouette
And I walk till living becomes obscure

I scamper through the woods
edging away from consciousness
There are holes in my feathery coat
the pines hurt my feet
the wind blows hard
but my heart flutters with glee
I see that lone street light
that i had first met down this muddy trail 
memory resurrects the frail remnants of that cold wintery night
when I finally found myself
familiarity warmly engulfs me
I feel I have come back home

I sit confounded at how words brim to the surface of my soul
they stir up these funny feelings
of sorrows, of delights and the whereabouts of life
Its down this trail I come again and again
where I’ve trapped pieces of me 
to relive those moments imprisoned in time

in these locked up diaries of hidden trails
of dampened hearts and trampled bushes
written under dimmed lights
with muted sighs and perpetuated silences
lies a person I know
a person that comforts me
a person that reminds me of me
I have not learned to express
without a pen and paper
And hence I return to this carefully camouflaged version of myself
to preserve yet another moment in time
 
This is my abditory, 
This is where I can be myself again…

An ode to the women I see…

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She flies with her own wings
her life is her song
her scruples, the objections in her path
her leisure, her bed of fantasies

her world, her perception from her eyes
her heart, a mirror of her unsung desires
her mind, a pool of its afflictions and aspirations
her spirit unencumbered
her essence immortalized in time

she falls, she rises, she braves the tide
but sometimes, yet sometimes
she frees herself and rides home on the tides

her stoic semblance bottles up the tumultuous emotions
raging her interiors, eroding her stability
its human, its only human to feel this way
she gives in
sometimes frugally, sometimes unsparingly
but she knows well when time comes
to take her possessions back

there is a little satchel she carries
where she keeps her little bundles of joy
her own space, her own prerogative before time
she keeps it hidden
hidden in those moments of self-torn desire
hidden between moments
of losing and finding yourself
between rationality and irrationality
between sighing and breathing
between the dawn and the early morn
in all those seconds spent in vulnerable thought

and before the twilight ends
before it takes back the little tufts like clouds soaked with serene lusciousness
before dawn breaks into her subconscious
she wraps her little joys, and puts them away, shielded
under her cotton sheets of wistful chimeras
she walks through her day customarily
a smile here, an empathetic shrug there
but in her heart
she longs to surround herself in
her private possessions- her memories, her desires, her moments, her soul
to relive those treasured silent memories of unrequited dreams

I’m amazed by the soul in front of me
always hiding behind the shadows of a half-revealed self
hoping someday someone would see
see through the unseen, see through the disguised impersonation of herself
I’m amazed how unsparingly people disregard her delicate soul
but she still does
she still walks on the unknown roads
trying to find her own way
in the milieu of dogmatic voices
she believes in singing her own song
because she flies, she flies with her own wings …

Sea

sea dark

Mystified when the eye meets the sea

seeing the beauty and the obscurity meld

I search for hours to find what i cannot see

where the blue ends where the dark begins

I let the sea glimpse into me instead

to unravel the thick web , to tame the brewing hurricane

I live in partial reality

the inner stripped of the outer self

hiding in plain sight

defined by a surface so intact

The sea’s lucidity mirrors my vulnerability today

her boundless, tempestuous nature

lures my inner destitution to the fore

till i know how to bury it again

sometimes she exhilarates in tandem

sometimes she absorbs the anguish and dissipates

I sit on the shore

engulfed by the warm sand

the waves murmuring

dousing my feet gently

there is such camaraderie in self abandonment

she fills up the voids and I lose myself to fluidity

my outer ripples away

the chaos subsides, the voices subdued

and I feel me.

Let it go…

Be still, hold still

let it wash over you

this grief that comes in rifts

stumps the breadth out of you

don’t hold it in, let it not choke you

Its found its way from within

let it immerse you

let it travel through your soul

grazing the hidden darkness inside

let it rain, let it loose

keep your head in

feel , just feel

what you had trapped within

The hurt, this hurt

has loosened its barrage

softened its tone

oozes the suffering that you once confined

unexpected , unhampered

it breaks out of you

weighs on the air you breathe

take a moment  embracing these shadows

feel the hurt overwhelm you.

The pain , this pain

that waxes and wanes

that carves your insides hollow

comes from an honest place

a place that is masked by layers

layers of pretentious living

redeems your soul

makes you human

don’t deny it

don’t fight it

let it rise to the surface

let it transform you

and then let it go.

Megha

Cuddle your way through the world

Part 1

That dreadful day. I can still feel the bile rising up in my stomach. A very usual morning in my disarray life. I was learning how to pick myself from the mess I was in . Nothing could get worse. There was still this feeling at the pit of my stomach that felt very raw.As if I was about to here some bad news which I already had an inkling of.

Last of my exam days I kept feeling, is he going to live longer? How long does he have? Why am I still here 5000 miles away from my family, from him. Does he want me to be there? My sweet dog Cuddles, was diagnosed with this disease a little over two years ago, just before I left the country. When I left him for the last time I had a feeling.This strong feeling that I wouldn’t see him again. I still hold that image in my mind. That innocent, expecting face. That face, those eyes that probably knew it too. I tore myself away from him , knowing if I stayed I would make an embarrassment of myself weeping at that spot. He knew I was leaving, as he always did when he saw packed suitcases. That somebody was leaving him again. That summer I saw him fade away infront of my eyes

That morning when I saw my mothers long message. I had a strong feeling. My heart started to beat hard and faster.Tears welling up. ‘Megha beta, Cuddles is no more’ my mother said.

That inexplicable sharp pain that pierces the heart and shatters you into a million pieces. There was no one around me, there was no one to understand my pain. I was miles away from him while he lay in his grave, alone. I wasn’t there to tell him its ok , it’s going to be ok. The suffering will end. In a second this beautiful being that you loved with all your heart, purely with no malice but absolute love, vanished. There was no time to tell him that I loved him. There was no time to hold him one last time. He slipped from my memory to a deep abyss that will bring pain to me everytime in the coming years.

I had known one true love and that had been taken away from me.I could only see him and meet him in memory. Something in me went away with him. There was a vacuum that so many told is created but there was something more. There was a part of my identity that slipped with him.

It was not long after he had gone that I realised how much joy, how much love and what he brought to me, when he entered my life. I hold his face, his being, his character close to my heart. I remember him just as he was in his younger days jovial, obese, lovable and cuddle-able.

My darling Cuddles. You have been  and will always be sorely missed.

About…

Hello beautiful peeps…

Welcome to my new revolutionised blog. This is me coming into a new age of writing (well I think so!).

The earliest memory of me writing my first poem was in class 4. I read it to my mum and I still remember her jumping with joy and relaying this information of her artistic little prodigy (thank god for moms!) to everyone. Then… it was then , I knew….

I’ll always have at least one enthusiastic audience no matter how horribly I write :P….

Me being so good at hiding me, I deliberated for a long time whether I should share my poems at the risk of completely letting my guard down and totally embarrassing myself… Well , it has been the most rewarding experience of my life. And I would exactly tell you why ..

I write, to let my heart out. Which makes me feel I’m not alone in how I feel. When I read other poeples work , I relate to their emotions and that makes me feel less alone in this whole wide world. Everyone of you who has appreciated my work, who has made my poem yours in your own way, has made me feel connected to you. That we are not all alone in how we feel and there is always someone in some corner of the world who would be my soul body or somebody who shares my lunacy …

And hence, I start another atrociously ridiculous journey to stretch my writing to other realms; travels, books, food, people… you name it. I hereby swear to not torment you beyond a certain point.

I thank you for bearing with me.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I have loved dreaming of enjoying writing this blog.

Adios amigos!

The deliriously delusional poet..